Learning to Listen

It is well know that it is important to be a good listener, but what does it take to be a great one?

Listening as an Art

Silence is Golden

There is more to listening than simply hearing things. Real listening begins when you begin to understand what you are hearing.

Start by understanding that even though people are using the same words you do, it doesn't mean that they saying the same thing!

Or, as I like to say, "Just because we are both speaking English, doesn't mean we are speaking the same language."

Different people have different beliefs and experiences that and flavor and meaning to the words they use. The tonal quality of they way they say a word can change its meaning. Different emphasis on different parts of a spoken phrase can change its meaning.

In the same way, when listening to someone, be aware that what they are saying may not be what they are really trying to communicate.

Hidden Communication

• "Fine!" said with a genuine smile on their face: "Wonderful, life couldn't be better!"
• "Fine!" same shortly with a frown and crossed arms: "Leave me alone! I don't want to be bothered!" (although I suspect they really want to talk to somebody about it.)
• "Fine..." with slumped shoulders and a sad expression: "I feel very alone and nobody cares... *sigh*"

As you can see, even a simple word like "fine" is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to communication.

Listening to Body Language

Body Language

A person's facial expressions and body language communicate far more of what a person is saying than the words themselves. 

If you want to know what a person is silently sharing, pay attention to their body language

Body language reading is a fairly simple skill to pick up. You already do it, even if you are not aware of it. 

By paying attention to body language you will begin to get a fuller picture of what is actually going on with someone else.

A recommendation when reading body language is: Don't jump to conclusions! (This is the same for listening, by the way.) 

You should have at least 3 points of congruent data before making even a tentative theory about what they are saying.

Understanding Motivations

What's your motive?

When listening to people, I generally want to understand what they really want. Some people are just trying to sell you something. Some people just want you to validate their sob story. Some people want your attention. Some people are just lonely and want to make a connection. Some people want to share something that makes them feel great!

When you can tune in to a persons motivations, you can gain great insight into a person. This insight will allow you communicate more effectively with people by helping them to feel heard. This is what they are really communicating. (Effectively or not.)

If you have ever felt that someone was listening to you, but you still didn't feel heard, this is what was missing. they just didn't get it and the "it" was what you were really trying to share underneath the words.

Caring and Other Tips

The most important thing for great listening is great caring. If you don't care about someone, it's impossible to listen. The more you actually care about someone the more you actually listen.

Love is not the same as caring. Compassion is not the same a caring. Being truly interested in the other person is caring.

You can love them and yet not really care to be bothered with how they actually feel. You can have compassion for another person, yet not care about the details. When you desire to be fully present for the other person as if they are the most important person in the world and you want what is truly best for them, then and only then do you completely have it. That is how you listen.

Listening Tips

• Care (I mean really care!)
• Be respectful.
• Don't interrupt.
• Share relevant (and beneficial) information.
• Seek to understand where they are coming from and what they really mean.
• Don't take it personal. It's not about you. (usually)
• Don't worry, be happy!

In Conclusion,

Conversation!

You have everything you need to become a good listener already. With these tips, you are well on your way to becoming a better listener. After all, you cared enough to read this!

Good luck and have fun!