Learning to Listen

It is well know that it is important to be a good listener, but what does it take to be a great one?

Listening as an Art

Silence is Golden

There is more to listening than simply hearing things. Real listening begins when you begin to understand what you are hearing.

Start by understanding that even though people are using the same words you do, it doesn't mean that they saying the same thing!

Or, as I like to say, "Just because we are both speaking English, doesn't mean we are speaking the same language."

Different people have different beliefs and experiences that and flavor and meaning to the words they use. The tonal quality of they way they say a word can change its meaning. Different emphasis on different parts of a spoken phrase can change its meaning.

In the same way, when listening to someone, be aware that what they are saying may not be what they are really trying to communicate.

Hidden Communication

• "Fine!" said with a genuine smile on their face: "Wonderful, life couldn't be better!"
• "Fine!" same shortly with a frown and crossed arms: "Leave me alone! I don't want to be bothered!" (although I suspect they really want to talk to somebody about it.)
• "Fine..." with slumped shoulders and a sad expression: "I feel very alone and nobody cares... *sigh*"

As you can see, even a simple word like "fine" is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to communication.

Listening to Body Language

Body Language

A person's facial expressions and body language communicate far more of what a person is saying than the words themselves. 

If you want to know what a person is silently sharing, pay attention to their body language

Body language reading is a fairly simple skill to pick up. You already do it, even if you are not aware of it. 

By paying attention to body language you will begin to get a fuller picture of what is actually going on with someone else.

A recommendation when reading body language is: Don't jump to conclusions! (This is the same for listening, by the way.) 

You should have at least 3 points of congruent data before making even a tentative theory about what they are saying.

Understanding Motivations

What's your motive?

When listening to people, I generally want to understand what they really want. Some people are just trying to sell you something. Some people just want you to validate their sob story. Some people want your attention. Some people are just lonely and want to make a connection. Some people want to share something that makes them feel great!

When you can tune in to a persons motivations, you can gain great insight into a person. This insight will allow you communicate more effectively with people by helping them to feel heard. This is what they are really communicating. (Effectively or not.)

If you have ever felt that someone was listening to you, but you still didn't feel heard, this is what was missing. they just didn't get it and the "it" was what you were really trying to share underneath the words.

Caring and Other Tips

The most important thing for great listening is great caring. If you don't care about someone, it's impossible to listen. The more you actually care about someone the more you actually listen.

Love is not the same as caring. Compassion is not the same a caring. Being truly interested in the other person is caring.

You can love them and yet not really care to be bothered with how they actually feel. You can have compassion for another person, yet not care about the details. When you desire to be fully present for the other person as if they are the most important person in the world and you want what is truly best for them, then and only then do you completely have it. That is how you listen.

Listening Tips

• Care (I mean really care!)
• Be respectful.
• Don't interrupt.
• Share relevant (and beneficial) information.
• Seek to understand where they are coming from and what they really mean.
• Don't take it personal. It's not about you. (usually)
• Don't worry, be happy!

In Conclusion,

Conversation!

You have everything you need to become a good listener already. With these tips, you are well on your way to becoming a better listener. After all, you cared enough to read this!

Good luck and have fun!

Organization as Creativity

Creative Organization

Today, I was doing a bit of organization around the house and at first it felt tedious. Like it was the most boring, non-creative thing a person could be doing with their time.

I kept feeling that I was missing something, and my intuition was ringing. I felt drawn to read from a book I've recently purchased on Kundalini Yoga. 

While reading a section on the second chakra and creativity, it hit me that organization is creativity! I felt an immediate release of tension around the concept of sorting and organization.

Any act of creation has organization in it, and any act of organization has creativity in it. In order to decide how to sort things, you must first create rules to follow, and following these rules allow you to manifest your desires.

Life is and endless cycle of creation and destruction. An endless cycle of organization and reorganization!

So the next time you have a tedious task of organization ahead of you, remember that you can use it as an opportunity to be creative and have fun!

Good Decision Making Skills

Decisions, Decisions

Sometimes in life there are times when it is necessary to make quick good decisions.

It is not always easy, but when you master good decision making skills, it can be!

Foundations of Good Decision Making

There are many aspects of making good decisions, many of which happen internally way before the decision is made!

You will need a clear thinking process, emotional control and situational awareness.

Clear Thinking Process

Clarity

There are several concepts that must be known in order to be effective
(in this order).

• What are my goals? 
• What is the situation?
• What actions do I take?

What Are my Goals?

Goal Setting

For personal power, you should have a primary goal or purpose, the top three roles, the ten methods and overall strategy. 

For simplicity, I am going to go over goals and purposes at this time.

Let's say your primary goal is total mastery, and three of your subgoals are: learning, loving, and healing. 

Everything you do should involve your primary goal(s). 

When deciding what exercise to do, ask: "What exercise would lead me to total mastery?" or "How could I exercise in a learning, loving and healing way that improves my mastery?" 

You get the idea.

Knowing what your goals are is like your own personal north star! They help keep you moving consistently in the direction that you choose. Your goals also allow you to know if something is not in alignment with your path. 

For instance, it is not in alignment with the goal of learning to keep yourself ignorant of something you could learn! (Even if it is something you are afraid to know!) 

It is in alignment to learn something that helps your mastery!

What is the Situation?

Situational Awareness

Knowing what is happening is of vital importance when making good decisions. If you are trying to find your way using a map, you must know where you are in order for the map to be useful. In the same way, understanding the situation and what is important is necessary.

To start, you need to ask yourself the basics: Who, what, when, where, why and how? For rapid understanding and decision making, I recommend this order instead: 

• What?
• Why?
• How?

What?

"What?" in my mind includes who, what, when, where and how. It is the first step because, with What? you are looking at your observations and the facts of any given situation. Before you can know what to do you must know what is happening!

It is also more streamlined to only ask one question than five. 

Look a picture of something happening and ask:

•  "What is happening?" 

Now, look at the same picture and ask:

• "Who is in this picture?"
• "When is this happening?"
• "Where is this happening?" 
• "How is this happening?"

See how long that took? 

If you need more detailed information and have the time, feel free to ask more detailed (and pertinent) questions. Otherwise, just ask What?

Why?

Why?

With "Why?" you are trying to understand why things are happening. This is a call for looking beneath the surface events and understanding the underlying causes of what is happening. 

That may be seeking to know peoples' motivations for actions. For instance, someone who is accidentally stepping on your foot calls for a different action than someone maliciously stepping on your foot.

This is the point where you do some quick interpretation of what is happening. For easy understanding, I suggest "Is it good or bad?" or "Is this beneficial or harmful?" then when it comes time to decide how to act, you will know whether you need to correct it or appreciate it.

How?

Help is on the way!

Now that you know what is happening, why it is happening and what your goals are, you should have all the information you need to make a good decision!

The first thing to do is to decide what is important and what is not. Temporarily set aside what is not important and focus on what is important. 

Begin taking actions in order of most important to least important. In this way you will ensure that priorities are taken care of.

Long Term Decision Making

More Complexity

For less immediate concerns, you may have time to brainstorm various options and solutions to your situation. 

I recommend coming up with at least ten different ways to proceed. By doing this, you increase your feelings of resourcefulness and capability. 

After determining options, think about the three most likely outcomes of each option. 

I usually think of the worst, the best, and the most likely. After looking at your options this way, you should have a few winners.

Act on the first of your top three and keep the other two in reserve, in case the first one doesn't work out. In this way you will always know what to do next.

Quick Decisions

Indecisive

If your course of action is still not clear, and you must act immediately, I recommend the following:

1. Take the first action that becomes apparent.
2. Observe the results.
3. Are things the way you want them? 
4. If yes: Awesome you are done!
5. If no: Go back to step 1.

Good Decisions Summary

Course of Action Flowchart

When making decisions, keep in mind the concept of trial and error. It is similar to solving a maze.

You know where to start, you know where to finish and then you make the best choices available and hope for the best. 

If you hit a dead end, no big deal, make different choices until you reach your goal. 

With time and practice, good decision making and success will be yours!